A Reflection

I have spoken many times about my background in gaming and competition and their impact on my life, but I have never talked about the darker side of it. Given that I am coming off of a diagnosis of osteoarthritis, trigger finger, De Quervain's, and a couple other things all in just my thumbs, I have started to reflect on how I got to this point at only 26. Perhaps I am being too introspective, but I can't seem to get my mind off this whole thing. I am 26 dealing with arthritis in both hands and a myriad of other hand issues and the question I get every time is "Do you regret it?"

I have been mulling that question over and over in my head because for so long after just dealing with carpal tunnel syndrome, my answer was unanimously "no". However, now that things have escalated to new heights, that question has starting pinging in my head again and has caused me to re-evaluate. To get to that answer, I wanna talk about something. Something that I have never talked about publicly and only privately a few times.

There was a point where I dealt with a lot of shame and tried to hide my background in competition. Around the 2018 timeframe I was dealing with a pretty severe bout of depression and anxiety. 2018 is when I officially stopped competing and put it all to the side. I stopped playing games, stopped involving myself in the industry; all of it.

Mental health issues caused me to put down the biggest opportunity of my entire career before it even happened.

CWL Atlanta 2018.

It's something I have never forgiven myself for for reasons more than just not going to compete in the biggest tournament of my career, but because I let my teammates down from the same major opportunity.

We were good. Very good. However, at the time, due to circumstances outside of my control, I missed out on that chance and I always regretted it. Whether or not that shame was mine to hold...well, I think not, but it still stings. And the teammates that I had never judged and always supported. As time went on, I would make my way back but would not be as competitive as I was before. I came back to the industry as a whole and I would come to realize just how awesome this industry, especially the competitive side, can really be. It was always open arms, it was always love, it was always special.

This amazing industry allows people of all walks to have a place -- a fair place. No matter how hard people try to exploit it, there is still more good than bad. That is the thing that gets me; this industry has seen so many up's and down's and it still remains and the love that people have for things even on a micro scale have always superseded what big corporations and bad actors would try to tear down. That is how competitive Call of Duty came about. It was always passionate people and developers that laid the groundwork for something truly special.

Yet, now I look where I am at individually and I have figured out my answer to the question "Do I regret it?".

No. Not even a little.

This industry has allowed so many opportunities for people of any stature, ability, and disability and it does it without a second thought. To be able to be part of this community even when I am not the competitor I once was and yet still have opportunity is something truly special. Yeah, my hands hurt and I can't compete like I used to, but I can be a coach or a team manager. I will never regret the time spent and the time given because I know where it brought me and that is not something I can ever look down upon.